* 100 .

i stole this from one of my myspace friends .
100 facts about yours truly :]

1. i`m obsessed with zebra print .
2. 6 piercings .
3. the last book i read was twilight .
4. i love the skittles in the purple bag .
5. i`ve gone thru tons of best friends .
6. justin timberlake has been my longest celebrity crush . since i was like 11 maybe ?
7. i have Arachnophobia .
8. i love fast food .
9. i wanna work on wall street one day .
10. i`m the president of Baby Dolls . ( officialbabydolls.com ]
11. cell phone = LG Dare .
12. i`m in love .
13. i curse in every sentance basically .
14. i love nyc .
15. i could eat ranch dressing on anything .
16. i hate my father .
17. i`m not the same person i was in the begining of the summer .
18. i hate cooking && cleaning .
19. i want 4 more piercings .
20. if i like someone i become extremely jealous . && i never like to admit it .
21. if i don`t have my glasses on i can`t see shit .
22. nicki minaj is corny to me .
23. i`m probly the most clumsy person you will ever meet .
24. don`t ever ask me to repeat myself cos chances are i forgot what i said .
25. i have a weakness for guys who dress nice && make me laugh .
26. i smoke alot of weed && i`m not planning on stopping for a long time .
27. i drunk text .
28. i`m a kissing whore . i`ve kissed so many people that i`ve lost count .
29. i`m black&&white && in my opinion is the best thing to be :]
30. i want a pet cow .
31. victoria`s secret is my favorite store . i drop tons of money there just about every other week .
32. i`ve been in love twice in my life .
33. i`ve never been on a real date before .
34. i`ve had my wedding planned since i was 12 .
35. prisons fascinate me .
36. my friends never like my boyfriends .
37. i own every single episode of Friends .
38. i love to sleep .
39. i will argue about something even if i know i`m wrong .
40. i have 2 houses && an apartment .
41. i hate not wearing makeup .
42. i can`t drink anything unless i have a straw or it`s in a bottle .
43. i hate clocks .
44. i hate being ignored .
45. i want implants .
46. i love grape && strawberry phillies .
47. i love hello kitty && blues clues .
48. i live by cosmo .
49. i`m a gossip queen .
50. i dye my hair all the time .
51. i dropped out of high school .
52. i have 2 german shephards .
53. bacon pizza is my favoriteeee .
54. so is bbq wingsss .
55. i love newports .
56. i`m also a chain smoker .
57. i get mad very easily .
58. when i`m mad i throw things .
59. i`m thirsty .
60. hockey is my favorite sport .
61. the rangers are my favorite team .
62. my mother is the strongest woman i know .
63. i`m ditzy && absent minded .
64. my IQ was at genius level when i was 12 .
65. i`m much smarter then i act .
66. i`ve been to almost every major amusement park on the east coast .
67. florida is the best place to vacation .
68. so is virginia .
69. i have a dirty mind .
70. i never eat a full french fry or chicken finger . i leave the ends .
71. i`m gonna marry a basketball player one day .
72. goodbye - jagged edge && mad - neyo make me sad .
73. i don`t know my limit when it comes to drinking .
74. i LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE drake .
75. i can never keep a lighter .
76. nsync's second cd was the first cd i ever bought .
77. i get compliments on my eyeballs EVERYwhere i go .
78. i hardly ever stay friends with ex`s .
79. i txt way too much .
80. i have a reality tv addiction .
81. i type really fast .
82. i love my uggs .
83. i don`t usually like shopping with anyone else but my mother .
84. madonna is the shit .
85. i talk to much .
86. horses are my favorite animal .
87. i laugh at everything .
88. next to smoking ; sleeping && shopping .. watching movies is my other favorite thing to do .
89. i`m the pickiest eater in the entire universe .
90. i speak italian .
91. i barely ever answer messages on myspace .
92. facebook sucks .
93. i love writing with sharpies .
94. i can`t draw for shit .
95. i loveee playing wii with my brother .
96. i talk about my ex constantly with my best friends .
97. if a dream seems too real to me i freak out && have to get in contact with everyone that was in my dream to see if they`re okay .
98. i hate wearing shoes && socks .
99. i have 20 + pairs of flip flops .
100. i`m not a morning person .

* My Angel .

Richard Charles Cowan Jr. *

this is my uncle . he died in january of '98 of AIDS . to me he was more then just my uncle . he saw something in me that most people didn`t && to me that`s what made him so special . i loved him with everything i had while he was alive && i still do . he was an amazing person . he was sick for along time && he knew eventually the disease would kill him , but he still woke up everyday happy to be alive && happy to be with his family . it hurts me everyday to know that i will never see him again but i know he`s in a better place && he isn`t hurting anymore . sometimes i have random thoughts about him && that`s the purpose of me writing this blog . so everyone knows that his memories will still live on thru me && everyone elses lives he`s touched . *

* Material Girl .

so yesterday i went on another day trip to nyc && did a little bit of shopping .
a couple things i got :

perfume from victoria's secret " juiced berry "

a PINK hoodie . ( PINK is my favorite line in VS :] ]

a satin bag from VS

i also copped a hot pink phone cover ; stuff from the hershey store && a couple of other little things . :]

* Lately .

well since i haven`t updated since like april . lemme fill you in on what`s been going on in my head since then :] .

i think 2009 is the year where i make the most mistakes i swear . especially in the company i choose to keep . it's like one day i decide that i wanna start talking to a bunch of new people && then i wake up the next day && it`s like " wtf was i thinking ?! " . i had this new " friend " at school . not gonna say his name but if you know me then you`ll most likely know who it is . i met him thru my friend crystal one day . i guess they were friends && she had this thing for him . we were at her house one day && she wanted to know if he could come over to my house with us so we could all hang out . now if you know me idc who anyone is i`ll chill with anyone . so he came over && smoked a blunt with me && we became friends . that same night he tried to fuck me on my couch . shit wasn`t working out for him because i lied && told him i had a boyfriend . but i gave him my number ANYway like a jerk . he started to txt me a lot && was at my house all the time smoking . i knew he liked me but i didn`t care . i was still talking to my ex && had ever intention on getting back with him . the guy also had himself a girlfriend back home but he never really acted like it . after a while me && the guy started getting a little TOO close . like he would always find a reason to sit next to me .. he would txt me all day long .. you know little things like that . one day everyone at my house was drinking and i had WAY to much to drink && he wound up in my bed and we had sex . the exact same scenario happened another time . idk why i allowed myself to do it twice .. but lemme just say .. when i have THAT much to drink i really don`t care what i do . i just sort of let things happen . now i`m guessing he took us sleeping together way more seriously then i did because all of a sudden he was at my house ALL the time doing weird shit like taking out my garbage && bringing me weed all the time . since school let out i haven`t spoke to him . he`s txted me a bunch of times .. even called which he never does . i made the decision when i got home from school to never talk to him again .

my reason for never talking to him again is simple . that whole thing is pretty much the reason why me && my last ex will never be the same again . i wasn`t going to tell him about it at first . but you know me .. i`m the worst secret keeper && i felt guilty every second of everyday . i`m kinda mad that i did tell him because now nothing is the same . i know for a fact me && him will never be together again . && knowing that makes me sick . i think about it every night . i mean i`m not gonna be corny && say he`s like the love of my life or anything . but i`m pretty sure that he`s who i`m supposed to be with . i mean i`ve met a few guys since summer has started && they`re guys i would normally be attracted too . but nope . i have just have no interest in anyone else except for him which sucks . i`m trying to get over it . especially because i know he`s moved on && is probly talking to other girls [ which by the way i`m extremely jealous over ] but yeah that`s a summary on my half assed love life .


as for school . if you read some of my other posts you would see i was slacking last semester which is probably why i`m on academic probation . my schedule is still a work in progress tho . i won`t be living on campus anymore . it`s full ! i`m kinda upset about thatttt . but i`m looking at this newer apartment building to live in . only fucked up thing is i don`t think imma be able to smoke as much in the new building but i`ll get over it . i have to start shopping for apartment things && school shit soon . soo not looking forward to go back to herkimer . i mean i love the school . but the town sucks ass . i`m getting my license my first month of school so i can atleast go other places other then being stuck there . so i guess that`ll make it a little more barable .

* You THINKKK You Know .

wowww . i haven`t updated in forever :]
i bet you guys don`t even think you know me anymore !
incase you don`t know me as well as you think you do .. this post is gonna be about all the random && weird things about me . :]

- i can eat ranch dressing on anything .. try me =)
- i love fast food .
- law & order svu is my favorite show ever .
- i hate school .. but i love learning .
- i have about 20 pairs of flip flops .
- i always date the wrong guys . && i`m always friends with the guys i SHOULD be dating .
- i have the worst mood swings .
- yelling is how i communicate .
- i hate being alone .
- reading is one of my favorite things to do even tho i never really get to .
- i LOVE biggie ; drake ; day26 ; trey songz ; dblock <3
- i have all kinds of bad habits like smoking ; drinking ; cursing in every sentence ; burping outloud ; rolling my eyes ; spitting . but i`m really girly .
- when i have ciggs i chain smoke .

* Obsession .

my new loves ♥
i love them SOO much .
the show .
the album .
all the songs .
EVERYthing .
&& oh btw .
me && rob are getting married .
kthnx .

* Stress Much ?

yes yes i know ; blogging everyday now .
i just left accounting .. couldn`t stay there anymore .
i knew when i sat down && he started explaining the problems i would be completely lost .
&& for me not to understand accounting ?
now i know there is something wrong .
i`m stressed about alot .
money .
school .
my mother && my grandmother both have to have surgery .
my cousin [ my best friend ] might move to arizona .
&& alot of other things .. if you read the letter you`ll understand the rest .
like .. ugh .
i never knew how to deal with all my stress .
lately i just take money i don`t even have in the bank
&& smoke all my problems away then fall asleep .
real nice way to solve my problems right ?

* Sometimes It`s Gonna Rain .

If you haven`t noticed .. i`ve posted quite a few blogs lately .
mostly cos i`ve been really stressed .
i don`t even think stress is the WORD .
with everything that`s been bothering me
i really think i`ve made myself sick over it .
like literally .. s i c k .
i haven`t ate at all in the last week barely .
i throw up .. mind you .. if you know me you would know .. i NEVER throw up .
my ciggs make me gag now .
all i wanna do is smoke && sleep .
like idk .
i just really don`t know what to do anymore .
i`m slipping on my school work ; i barely go to class .
i`m just not movitivated to do anything anymore .
&& it`s bugging me .
my eyes are puffy && i have bags under them because of all the crying i`ve been doing during the day && before i go to sleep .
like it`s seriously pathetic && i want this to end .
that`s all for now <3

* M - E - A .

yayyy more random facts about mea <3

1. i live off of weed ; ciggs && soda .
2. i love tank tops ; hoodies ; && flip flops .
3. i hate walmart now that i moved to herk .
4. i talk alot of shit .
5. i`m in love .
6. i hate doing laundry .
7 . i want 10 piercings before summer starts .
8 . i say whatever i`m thinking outloud .
9 . i was locked up for 18 days in a hospital .
10 . i hate my natural hair color .
11 . i sleep with the same purple pillow every night .
12 . i love dunkin donuts strawberry coolatas .
13 . half my family calls me " ny "
14 . i was raised by the white side of my family .
15 . i hate liars .
16 . i get what i want usually .
17 . i KNOW when people are lying .. even if i don`t say anything ;]
18 . i have had my heart broken twice .
19 . i love DC .
20 . imma hip hop head . ; r&b lover && a rap fiend .

* How I`M Feeling .

This one time in middle school me && a couple of my friends had this notebook . Everyone that we knew was in it && next to them was everyones thoughts about them . I`m kinda gonna do this in reverse . I`m not gonna say the persons name but i`m gonna write how i feel about them . :) try && figure out who i`m talking about !

1. You are one of my best friends . We been down for each other since the 7th grade . I have had honestly some of the best times of my life with you . We made the craziest memories . It's sad to see how we both became tho . We barely speak barely see each other .. crazy ! I used to be with you every single day .. remember that ? remember skipping school together to smoke ; remember meeting random people && chilling ? i do ! I will always see you as my best friend ; doesn't matter if we never talk or see each other again . your MY best friend .

2. I can't fucking stand you . We been friends for crazyy long . but i can`t fucking STAND you . You are one of the most self centered people in the world && you wonder why people talk about you . Your a pathalogical LIAR . like i don`t even wanna get started on how BAD you lie . && you wonder why i never call you ? maybe THAT`S the reason . :)

3. Even thought we`re not blood related i still love you as if you were my own brother . I've been going thru alot lately && your the only person whose been there for me COMPLETELY . You always there to talk to at anytime ; whether it's in the morning when i`m going to class or whether it's at 4 in the morning && i`m calling you crying about a certain somebody . Your a great person you really are and i love you for that .

4. You fucked me over more times then i can count . You lied ; You cheated ; You just did everything . One girl is never enough right ? I did everything for you . && didn't get shit back . I was there when the rest of the girls weren`t . remember that ? Remember how i spent crazyyy money on you ? ahaaa i do . && what did i get .. ? n o t h i n g . i bet your other girls enjoyed shit tho . The sad part is ; i can't think of shit nice to say about you so fuck you your time to shine is over .

5. Even though i`m pretty sure people think we have some kinda love thing going on . Me && you both know how it is . We spend alot of time together . Your like my male other half lmao . We like the same thingsss ; && have alot in common . Your a pretty cool kid :)

6. Even though we supposed to be really good friends ; you irritate the shit out of me . It's so bad that when your upset ; it makes me feel better cos i know maybe you`ll STFU for once . I`ve known you for around 4 years now . I`m not gonna say you LIE but i AM gonna say you don`t tell the truth if that makes any sense . Your not that cute either sorry :)

7. I think you enjoy seeing me upset . So i think this is what causes you do to every fucked up thing possible && SAY every fucked up thing possible . I used to think soo highly of you . Cos you were different then anyone else i talk to . That's soo not the case anymore . Cos now your just like them . I have never had a person sit there && talk to me the way you do && make me hate my self in a way because to you there is NOTHING good . Hope your life is better now .




-- those were to just a few people i know / talk to on a daily basis .

* Dead && Gone .

wow ; just reading my last entry i can already tell things have deff. changed .
mkay guys ; last entry was in jan. alotttt has happend . lemme fill you in :)
i`m back at school :( blah ! but this semester is poppin' i met alot of differant people && i`m pretty much never bored . && you already know my weedhead ass ; i blow it dowwwn everyday .
to be honest tho ; i`m not really paying that much attention to what i`m supposed to be doing in classes :( . i`ll get back on it tho so i`m not really worried to much about it .
my spring break starts on fridayyy . i`ll only be home for like a week tho so it`s not really that serious . .. now my SUMMER break starts in may ! i`m hypee for that .
i started my semester off single too .
the boyfriend that i`m pretty sure you have read about in my other posts .. broke up with me before i left .
nice right :)
it gets better !
since we broke up ; we been " talking " if that`s what you wanna call it .
yo .. i have NEVER argued with another human being the way i argue with this one .
over the dumbest shit to top it off .
i guess we been on two totally differant pages tho .
cos it seems he`s moved on .
enjoying all his new female attention .
while .. i`m just sitting here THINKING we`re gonna work things out .
i have a great record with guys right ? lmao .
i mean i can say exactly how i`m feeling about things or w/e && it like DOESN`T register into his head && it bothers me .
what i don`t understand is how we can go from being just fine && only argueing a little ; to practically hating each other .
i mean idk what`s gonna happen from here .. cos it`s deffinately not my decision anymore .
but .. to me if it meant as much to him as it does to me .. i wouldn`t have been in this situation for this long .
but yeah moving on to something worth typing about .
i haven`t really had a great past 3 months .
my mother && my grandmother both have to have surgery soon .
i don`t really know if i`m going to be home for both or not .
i hope i am .
.. atleast i have one piece of good news !
i killed my pain killer addiction a few weeks ago :)
yayyy meee !


but yeah ; i haven`t slept in a while .
some of you know why .
for others it was probly your fault .
i`ll update soon <3

* New Year ; New Thoughts .

So yeah ; i know i`m a little late on my 2009 entry but it`s okay . Now i know at the begining of every new year all you here is everyone go " new year new me ! " well i`m not exactly hopping on board that train . I mean yes there are some things i`d like to change . but i don`t exactly think a new year should be the reason for change if you know what i mean . but as of right now i`m working on my " anger issues " for lack of a better phrase . i mean if any of you know me well you should know i have the illest attitude && i can be a bitch for no reason && that`s not really me . i mean lately it has been but it`s time to grow up . can`t be a spoiled little bitch with an attitude forever . but anywho . i`ve been learning alot about myself lately . cos lets face it ; you can`t change without knowing yourself inside && out . i have come a long way from the person i used to be && i`m still growing . i mean attitude wise yes i`m still the same but obviously it`s changing . slowly but surely . relationship wise i think i`m getting a little better . i mean when i was younger i never gave a fuck about a male . i mean while my friends had their little boyfriends calling them late night to do the usual " i love you good night " i would always laugh && think " well i get 5 of the same phone calls from differant people " . that`s the type of mentality i had . i mean don`t get it twisted i wasn`t having sex with them all or anything . idk what type of weird infatuation it was . i used to love older guys && do anything besides sex for there attention . these days i`m more in the i wanna settle down with one person type of mentality && i think the way i used to act is ridiculous but hay we learn && we grow . ( speaking of settleing down i`m currently listening to " Differances " by Ginuwine && i came to the conclusion 2 years ago this will be my wedding song ) i`ve also been learning alot about friends lately . on who to trust && who not to you know that type of thing ? i mean i have cut a lot of people out of my life . even those that i had considered best friends . && i noticed that sometimes if you cut a friend out of your life && talk to them months ; even years later . things could get better . i mean i found it easier to keep only a select few actual " friends " less drama more happiness :) well that`s all for now .. i`ll be sure to blog tonight after i get settled in back at my apartment && meet all the new people && everythingggg . until then <3333333

* Rehab .

they met through her best friend .
her ? a soft spoken innocent girl .
him ? a drug-dealing hood-rat .
she didn`t know all that at first .
all she saw was a smooth talking attractive dude .
it was all good at first .
phone calls 3 times a day .
compliments left && right .
the first time they kissed .
she was addicted .
like he was a drug .
3 months went by ..
on the 4th month .
he didn`t talk to her for 28 days .
she cryed every night .
asking herself what she did wrong .
his excuse ?
he was busy .
she went back to him after that .
another 4 months went by .
the phone calls were short && far between .
she spent all her pay checks on him .
he was out with any girl he could find .
cheated like it was nothing .
she knew .
did she care ?
yes .
did she leave him ?
no .
he started yelling at her all the time .
degraded her .
sexually ; physically ; mentally .
did she leave him ?
no .
he was like a drug to her .
a bad habit ; addicting ; hard to let go .
eventually .
she grew the courage .
to leave ..
took a year to heal .
kind of like rehab .




* her story is crazy huh ?